Top Ten Reasons Why I Shouldn’t Own a Taser

I don’t own a taser. And I’ve come to realize, as a person with what might be described as “Type A” personality characteristics, that this is probably not a bad thing. There are numerous scenarios in which such a device might leave me in just a bit of trouble. While the potential circumstances in which I might compromise my state of innocence are many, I’ve taken the time to narrow the list down to the top ten reasons why I should not own a taser.

Consider this a public service announcement. It may be helpful if by chance you meet me one day, and it turns out I ignored my own instincts and happen to have a taser.

Reason # 10: The guy in front of me at the fast-food drive-thru, who apparently cannot make up his mind.
You know the one. They sit at the order menu either discussing every item with everyone in the car, or worse, are on the phone with some idiot while they discuss what he should order for 72 people back home. Meanwhile, if it is a double drive-thru, the other side is sailing through like thoroughbred racehorses, while cobwebs start forming on your side-view mirrors. Couldn’t they have decided what everyone wants before arriving at the order speaker? Nothing like a jolt of fifty thousand volts to get their thinking caps on straight.

Reason # 9: The person who chastises you for their mistake.
We’ve all had this happen. It comes in a variety of forms.  Perhaps, while driving someone cuts you off, and in the process, they flip you off ostensibly for being in their way. Or maybe someone who isn’t watching where they are walking bumps into you. You instinctively apologize or excuse yourself, and they lash out as if you have ruined their life. I assure you, two metal prongs to the butt followed by a face plant can really do a lot to set them straight.

Reason # 8: Any salesperson who continually talks over you.
This one is really why my wife should not have a taser. I don’t know why, but salespeople routinely interrupt and talk over her, and rarely let her fully describe what she is looking for. Or sometimes she just wants to be left alone, and despite telling the salesperson that they just keep on selling. They say the art of selling is really in listening, but few sales professionals seem to heed that advice. They don’t know how lucky they are she doesn’t own a taser. They might find their groin on fire before they knew what hit them. At least then they would stop talking.

Reason # 7: The restaurant server who asks, “Isn’t everything delicious?”
Actually, any leading question based on a particular assumption and designed to evoke a directed response qualifies here. When I am eating, just ask me if everything is ok, or is to my satisfaction. Don’t ask a question where your postulation is imposed, forcing me to clarify my response or placing me in an otherwise awkward situation. I’m not a difficult customer, and rarely if ever send a meal back or even complain. Just ask me if everything is ok, and I will answer affirmatively even as I try to cut my steak with a reciprocating saw. But don’t make assumptions and try to manipulate me. You could find yourself cooking tableside, even though your diner doesn’t offer that service.

Reason # 6: The employer who believes Return to Work is for counting paperclips.
This one is self-explanatory. Perhaps they can count paperclips when they return to work after a shock and fall.

Reason # 5: The “One-Upper.”
Everyone knows a one-upper. They are the person who, no matter what you’ve done or how much you’ve accomplished, have always done it better or accomplished more. And it doesn’t even have to be a positive accomplishment. If you have been sick, they have been sicker. Doesn’t matter. They simply have done everything you’ve ever done, but better, faster, harder, and sooner. A taser would give them another opportunity to exceed my accomplishments, especially because I’ve never laid twitching on the floor in my own drool.

Reason # 4: Whoever put Braille on the drive-thru ATM.
Seriously. I’m all for providing reasonable accommodation and for making sure those with physical challenges have equal access to services and facilities. But Braille on a drive-thru ATM? What could that possibly say; “Congratulations, you’ve made it this far?” 

Reason # 3: People who can’t see the forest for the trees.
There are ample examples of this within the workers’ compensation space. You know what I am talking about. They are the people who will deny a $10 prescription (without a medical reason) and spend $5,000 defending the decision. They are the folks who insist a form be filed correctly and “timely” but are much less concerned whether quality care was provided. And they are the people discussed in reason # 6. I guess those guys would get tased twice.

Reason # 2: Anyone talking on a Bluetooth earpiece.
Ok, not anyone talking on a Bluetooth earpiece, just people talking loudly on a Bluetooth earpiece. You don’t have to yell as if the sound of your voice must physically travel the distance to wherever the person you are speaking with is located. Or don’t look directly at me making me think you are speaking to me so that I feel like an idiot when I respond, and it turns out you don’t even realize I am in the room. The taser jolt may short out that earpiece, and then where will you be?

And the number 1 reason I should not own a taser: The person on the Facetime call in the airport waiting lounge.
It doesn’t actually have to be a Facetime call, or an airport waiting area. It could be any public area and just be a call on speakerphone or watching an obnoxious video without the courtesy of headphones. This may be a shock to you, but the 38 people immediately surrounding you are not the least bit interested in your personal conversation. We don’t all want to hear your stupid video. And the 6 rows of airplane seats around you don’t want to listen to three hours of SpongeBob Squarepants. So put some headphones on your kid or I’ll likely tase them too. 

Now that I think about it, I guess those Bluetooth earpieces aren’t all that bad.

There you have it. The top ten triggers that tell me I shouldn’t own a taser. I feel much better, as this has been quite a cathartic exercise. 

And we can all agree that it is a good thing I don’t own a taser.