Bob’s Top Ten Tips on Working Out and Gym Etiquette

I was at the gym the other day when one of my business partners phoned me. He asked if I had a couple of minutes to talk, and I told him that I could since I was just “on the treadmill” at the gym. He was delighted to hear that and delivered effusive praise for my efforts to exercise and care for myself. So much so that I think next time I’m on the treadmill, I might even turn the machine on.

And thus began the geneses of this article, where I have decided to share my ultimate fitness secrets with an expecting and deserving world. As an added bonus, I am throwing in some advice on proper gym etiquette. I know many of you will be surprised that I even have a gym membership, let alone a fitness regimen. But trust me, getting to be in the shape I am in doesn’t happen overnight or by accident. It can take years of abuse, sleep deprivation, alcohol, and general neglect to get a body to look the way mine does. This exclusive knowledge doesn’t serve any purpose hidden in the confines of my mind. No, I owe it to the world to share it. 

So here goes. Bob’s Top Ten Tips on Working Out and Gym Etiquette:

1. Quality Time on the Treadmill: Might as well start with this one. Make sure that you are properly positioned on this piece of equipment. If it comes with a television, locate your favorite channel. Absent that, headphones and your favorite music will suffice. Actually turning on the treadmill is optional. While some may feel the pressure of societal norms that would expect such action, it is important to remember that this is your body, and how you exercise is no one else’s bidness.
   
2. Wobble Board Stability: My wife, a Certified Personal Trainer by trade, helped me with this one. She suggested that a device known as a “wobble board” be employed to maintain stability as you age. A wobble board, or balance board, is a flat, circular exercise platform with a rounded bottom that creates instability when you stand on it. It’s used for balance training, rehabilitation, and core strengthening exercises. My wife stressed that it should be used next to a counter or stable object for safety reasons, but the ultimate goal is to keep your hands free and the wobble board as stationary as possible. In fact, the less the wobble board moves, the more effective your efforts. Therefore, I recommend leaving the damn thing in the closet. It won’t move a millimeter. 
   
   (My wife once told me I make a terrible business card. She was not amused with my response, “Yes, but you could paint a billboard on my fanny.”)
   
3. Quality Phone Time Between Sets: To be perfectly honest, I learned this little trick by watching others in the gym. After you complete your first set of reps on a piece of equipment, obliviously stare at your phone for about 45 minutes before you do the next set. Take extra care not to notice that others in the gym are waiting to use the equipment you occupy. After all, as previously noted, this is your body and your routine, so screw ‘em if they can’t understand that.
   
4. Re-racking Weights is for Sissies: After you’ve completed your grueling exercise on the Smith Machine or free weight leg press, be sure to leave all the plates on the device when you leave. After all, you had to put them there in the first place and removing them just seems unnecessary. Plus, you are helping the next person improve their fitness and stamina by making them move the crap you left behind. They will appreciate you for that.
   
5. The Louder You Grunt, The More Calories You Burn: It is not just important that you lift weight beyond your capacity at the gym. Letting others know that you are doing so actually helps you increase your calorie burn. This can be accomplished by emitting extraordinarily loud grunts and groans as you work out. The intensity or decibel level of such activity is difficult to describe on the written page, but think along the lines of a man giving birth or getting their genitalia caught in a revolving door. 
   
6. Dropping Weights a Great Distance: This seems to be a fitness tactic most employed by men who just gave birth or caught their genitalia in a revolving door. It involves dropping weights that are far beyond your physical capacity from as high a point as possible, causing the concrete to crack and a thunderous clamor throughout the gym. But as with tip number 5, this apparently enhances your workout results.
   
7. Manipulating Data on Exercise Equipment: Most fitness machines today come with sophisticated computers that provide a great deal of feedback on your progress and results. To do this, you must provide the machine personal information such as your weight so that it can properly calculate calorie burn. If you tell the machine you weigh 450 pounds, you will find that you burn a lot more calories than if you enter a lower number. If you really do weigh 450 pounds, you may want to actually succumb to the norms of societal expectations and turn the machine on.
   
8. Proper Hydration Methodology: The key to staying hydrated at the gym is to spend 20 minutes at the water fountain filling and refilling your gallon-sized water jug, preferably during peak hours. If someone appears to be waiting behind you, take an extra few minutes to adjust the temperature and water pressure to your exact specifications. Remember to occasionally splash water on the floor – this creates an impromptu slip-and-slide for other gym members to enjoy. *
   
9. Strategic Locker Selection: Always choose a locker directly next to the only other occupied locker in an otherwise empty locker room. This creates an intimate bonding experience with your fellow gym-goer. For maximum effect, take your time organizing your gym bag while maintaining uncomfortably long eye contact with them through the mirror. This is how gym friendships are forged.*
   
10. Taking a Selfie in the Mirror: At the end of a hard workout, it is helpful to share a record of your efforts with the world. This is apparently done for men by standing shirtless in front of a mirror and taking a picture of the mirror. I have not personally engaged in this because I would need at least two mirrors. I honestly don’t know how women handle this particular ritual. My attempts to enter the ladies’ locker room to investigate this phenomenon have been repeatedly rebuffed. 

And there you have it. I hope you can use this information to improve your fitness results and make new friends in the process. I would also encourage you to share this information with any injured workers whom you happen to be assisting in their recovery. A good gym regimen should be a part of any long-term recovery process. 

No need to thank me. It is what I do.

One other note I should make regarding the crafting of this specific article. Truth be told, I was only able to think of 8 items for this list, and while I could have pushed my way through the mental block, I instead took the easy way out and turned to AI. I uploaded my unfinished work and instructed the system to “read the attached humorous/satirical article. I need two more fitness or gym etiquette ideas to round out the ten items. Write them for me please.” In less than 10 seconds, the infernal machine churned out items 8 and 9 (marked with an asterisk) – even numbering them properly. I did not change a single word in its response.

Lord, I am screwed. My blog can now be written without me. Talk about immediate obsolescence. The damn AI is wittier than I am. 

Then again, according to my wife, that is not much of a stretch.