Thank God for Ohio. I mean, if it wasn't for the Buckeye state, the people here in Florida would truly dominate the wacky quadrant of the news. With the weirdo's and idiots living amongst us in the Sunshine State we would expect to look truly superior in the nutzoid department. But thanks to Ohio, a state where it is perfectly normal to paint your house gray with a big scarlet “O” on the front, we Floridian's almost look like the Amish at a church picnic by comparison.
Besides, I think most of our weirdo's come from Ohio, since they can no longer shovel snow now that they are on disability.
Last weekend a man and woman were caught joyriding through Ohio completely naked. The passenger in the vehicle, a 33 year old male, was holding a beer can with his feet. The driver, a 24 year old female, was eating pizza. Oh, and this would prove to be just her first of two arrests in the same night.
I hate it when that happens. It is like college all over again. Maybe Ohio should be called the Bucknaked State.
The pair was first seen standing naked in the parking lot of a Westlake business, and an employee called the police. The car was seen “driving up on a curb and through a tree lawn” before it was stopped by police.
The driver was arrested for DUI and released to a family member around 2 a.m. However, in less than an hour she was back in a policeman's arms, after she got into an argument with that family member and jumped out of the car. She was again arrested for disorderly conduct and intoxication.
There was no word on the fate of the pizza.
Her male companion, who was on probation for drug possession, chose a different psychosocial response to the situation. He expressed his deepest thoughts on the matter by urinating in the back of the police cruiser.
That apparently did not help.
I have no idea if he put the beer can down while he urinated, or if he continued gripping it with his feet. That could have been a real appetite killer there. On the plus side, he literally might never run out of beer.
He was charged with disorderly conduct and intoxication, open container and public indecency. Apparently being a complete dumbass is not a crime on the books in the Bucknaked State. Don’t feel bad. It is not illegal in Florida either.
This type of crime is very tricky for the responding police officer. After all, I’ve seen these folk's mug shots, and knowing what the officer stumbled across, well, let’s just say you can’t un-see what you’ve seen. Personally I see a stress claim in Officer Friendly’s future.
So, enough rambling. What does this teach us – beyond the obvious that crazy drunken naked people roam the streets and drive across lawns in Ohio? Lesson one would, of course, be that safety equipment was not properly utilized by this couple. I seriously doubt they were wearing safety belts, which in and of itself is a serious safety concern. Not wearing them, however, is merely a “tip of the iceberg” issue. Had they had an accident while naked and unbelted, the air bag deployment could in fact become a safety detriment. Air bags deploy at a high rate of speed and generate a tremendous amount of heat and friction in the process. Had this occurred with our young love birds there likely would have been some serious nipple burn associated with the event, not to mention beer and pizza splattered all over creation.
That probably would have caused the guy to pee in his own car for a change.
Texting while driving probably wasn't a contributing factor here, mostly because neither of them had any place to store the phone. If they did find a spot probably no one would want to touch the damn thing. The positive take away from that means no selfies were taken during the evening, and for that we should be extremely thankful.
The final lesson here is related to the second same-night arrest of the young woman in a Bucknaked state. That is, quite simply, when you are arrested while drunk and driving naked, it is probably best to stay arrested. Getting nabbed twice in a single night is just embarrassing, and simply causes a lot of unnecessary paperwork.
Best to stay in jail, where you can't hurt your idiot self.